The year 2012 had long been theorized to be the end of the world.

Or, at least, the end of the world as we knew it.

We know better now. 2012 came and went over a decade ago, and the world still turns. But why does it feel like it ended for me regardless?

Although the worst of it came in 2013, it is accurate to say that my own world was already falling apart by 2012. A lot of assumptions about life, love, friends, and faith, all shattered within a 12-month period. I did not recognize the world I lived in anymore. Worse yet, for a man of faith, I didn’t recognize my God anymore.

Christians have a term for times like this – it’s called the ‘Dark Night of the Soul.’ It’s generally considered a testing period, and it generally only lasts for a time, with some major insight and renewed faith to be discovered on the other side.

For me, this “Night” has lasted over 10 years – a quarter of my life – and shows no sign of ending anytime soon.

What do I do with that?

That’s one of many questions I’ve been wrestling with in these past 10 years. One of the reasons it’s taken me so long to put these thoughts to paper is because I’ve been waiting until I had the promised happy ending. I wanted to be able to show people that I’m okay – that the Dark Night is over – that I’ve gained some great faith and insight after all of this – and that it was somehow all worth it in the end.

I am unable to say that.

And so, I have kept silent, thinking it better not to say anything on the matter for fear of spreading discouragement rather than messages of hope. I am, after all, despite all of this, still a professing Christian. I still find hope in the hereafter, but not in the here now – and I still consider that a problem. It’s off-brand. I don’t like the sound of it.

But more and more I am being reminded that I am not the only person, religious or not, who struggles with depression. And I’ve reached the point that remaining silent about my experiences is beginning to feel selfish. Because even though I have not yet found a way out of my particular Dark Night, I have, at the very least, some perspective.

The title I chose is apt. I have been battling depression for 10 years. I have yet to win a decisive victory and slay this depression, so I have no personal advice to give on how to win. But I have learned plenty about how to battle. I have learned how to stay in the fight. I have learned to keep my head above water. That feels worth sharing.

There’s a few core subjects to discuss, I’ll start with the advice I offer to those struggling, then move on to advice for friends and family of those struggling.

Word for those struggling

Things to look forward to

One thing that has helped me on an ongoing basis is having a system of things to look forward to. For the most part it has been…

1 big thing a month: a party, starting a new game or show, going to the movies, etc.

1 ‘medium sized’ thing a week: a cheat meal, a new episode for your favourite show, a date night, get together with friends/family, etc.

(And, although this wasn’t part of the plan when first conceived, I would add…)

1 small thing a day: if not a new episode, then maybe a rerun of your favourite show, a new episode of your ‘almost favourite’ shows, gaming time, quality time with your family or partner, etc.

Basically, a reason to get up in the morning. Lord knows I have needed those on some days.

The reason I only had the ‘1 big thing a month and one medium thing a week’ system when I first thought of it was because that system was completely fulfilled with wrestling. I don’t know all of the reasons why, but just before Covid-19 (an era which certainly did not help) I had rediscovered my enjoyment of pro wrestling. At the time, I could get the channel for the Premium Live Events held once a month, and one of the two television shows that air once a week.

When I stopped to contemplate this, I realized how fortuitous it was. It meant that, no matter what day of the week or month of the year, I always had something not too far away to look forward to. I would often combine my cheat meals with those events so that I had more reason to get excited. It made a big difference.

Treat yourself

You deserve it.

And even if you don’t feel you deserve it – do it for the people who want to see you happy. I don’t mean splurge on everything you fancy, but if you struggle to treat yourself then it might be time to develop the habit.

I do have more to say about this as a practice, something to help you get into the habit of it if this is a struggle for you, but it’s a longer discussion that feels like it requires its own post, so I will add that later.

Give yourself grace

One of the positive things to have come out of this depression is that I believe it has taught me grace, both for myself and others. Having to face my own pain so directly, I’ve come to have a greater appreciation for the fact that, to some degree or another, everyone is struggling.

I had been forced to recognize my own need for grace, and, in so doing, recognize the grace that others around me need as well. We are all trying to navigate this effed-up thing known as Reality – as Life – the normal state of a broken world. The systems are not perfect, and the ways we have to navigate them are not perfect either. If I can be honest with myself about my own shortcomings and need for grace from those around me, I should be able to do the same for others.

It’s become a lot harder to hate people, after this development. Sure, I can still be pissed off. I can still recognize that some people are just plain ***holes. And I don’t excuse the behaviour itself, but I do seem to have more grace, even for those who don’t seem like they deserve any.

Because I am undeserving too.

But I don’t beat myself up about it anymore, so I shouldn’t be too harsh with others either.

Celebrate Milestones

No matter the scale of the accomplishment, or anniversary of the event, milestones help put time in perspective, which can help with moving on and moving forward. And celebrations make it easier to mark those milestones in the mind. It’s also an excuse to treat yourself, which is also important (more on that later).

The significance of an anniversary, especially if it’s a painful memory, is that, from an astronomical perspective, the world is in the same place it was when the event happened. But that’s only looking at Earth’s orbit around the Sun. There is also the Solar System’s journey through the cosmos, which makes orbital patterns less like repeating circles and more like an elaborate helix. Even if the world is in the same place it was a year ago in relation to the Sun, the entire Solar System is still on the move. You’re never exactly where you were a year ago.

Acknowledge your triggers

Learning to recognize your emotional triggers, and having healthy ways to deal with them, is an important part of depression survival. It’s also important to know when the right solution is healthy avoidance, or bracing yourself against it. Realistically, not every potential trigger can be avoided. My own depression is linked to lifelong singleness. Love stories are my trigger – every single one – no matter how genuine or corny. Realistically, I can’t avoid love stories altogether – not in my line of work that requires story research. (Romance is a pretty popular genre.) So, I practice healthy avoidance in the areas where I can – and brace myself when I can’t.

Schedule time with friends/family

This can be part of your 1 thing a day/month planning. It can also be a part of your milestone celebrations if you wish. It’s partly about staying connected with people you care about and who care about you, but is also about providing a way for your loved ones to check in on you, get updates if necessary, and see if there is anything you need.

You may not feel like it at times, but I encourage you to spend that time with loved ones regardless. Even if you’re still in the midst of a depression with no visible out yet, it does your loved ones good to at least see you in person. And if they genuinely care about you, you’ll feel that too. It refreshes both of you.

Sometimes it’s chemical

I am aware that sometimes there is no discernable reason for an individual to be depressed and, upon more scientific inspection, it is revealed to simply be a chemical imbalance. And sometimes chemical treatments can help. I am not a doctor, and you should consult one before going down that road.

I have heard from two different people who have taken these medications, one felt better, and the other felt worse – both in the same family. So, it’s not a guarantee, one way or another, as far as how the individual will respond to the medications, even among relatives with similar physiology. A doctor should always be consulted beforehand.

In my case, I am well aware of the cause of my depression, and chemicals won’t change that. Even if they were able to force a better mood out of me from time to time, I would know that it’s a hollow feeling, and I think internally the depression would get worse.

Review warning signs of suicidal despression

To put it lightly, there’s depression, and then there’s ‘the danger zone’ known as suicidal depression. And a person can be in the danger zone without anyone even realizing it, including themselves. Because, believe it or not, there are more signs of suicidal depression than suicide attempts – and recognizing these early and acknowledging the danger zone can help prevent things from getting worse.

After doing some research online, I’ve compiled a list of common signs (though not a complete list) …

Withdrawing from friends and family.

Increased consumption of drugs or alcohol.

Taking extreme risks.

Feeling like a burden to others.

General negative self-view.

Feeling trapped/hopeless.

Everything feeling pointless.

Rage/Mood swings.

Changes in sleeping patterns.

Self-harm.

Visualizing and planning out how to do it.

Giving away valuable possessions and writing a will.

That last one is more innocent-looking, because we see this often with grandparents and other elderly figures. They do it because they sense their time is short. If this is happening with someone younger, it may be a sign.

Words for friends and family of those struggling

I want to spend some time now to offer words of advice for all the friends and family of those struggling with depression. A healthy support group can go a long way in helping healing, giving those suffering a place they feel they can heal in their own way, and it helps to understand some of what they’re going through.

“The best medecine”

When someone you care about is going through a hard time like this, it’s easy to fall into the temptation to believe everything is okay as soon as you see them laugh – especially if it’s a genuine, warm laugh. As a nurturer, I understand this temptation all too well – there is a feeling of relief when they laugh, because it feels like a reason to assume that all is well again.

Do not mistake the medicine for the cure.

Don’t get me wrong. Laughter is great. Laughter is important. For someone battling depression, laughter makes for one of the best life preservers – but that’s all it is. I am very fortunate to have been able to hold on to my sense of humour. It’s a floatation device. It keeps my head above water. It stops me from drowning.

I am still in the middle of the ocean with no land or ship in sight. I don’t even know what direction to swim. I feel like I’m paddling in circles. All I can do is keep my head above water. And laughter helps a lot with that.

Misdirected hope

This is one of the least Christian-sounding things I’ll have to say on the subject of depression, but it needs saying for the sake of those struggling. And note that it may be different for those who have just begun their journey with depression compared to those (like myself) who have had to deal with this darkness for far too long and so the idea of hope looks different from here.

Keeping in mind that, as I said off the top, I have been battling depression for over a decade – over a quarter of my entire life has been spent in this battle – it has become the new normal. Depression for a few months or a few years is one kind of animal. More than a decade of depression can cause some unsettling perspective shifts. What I am about to say is coming from that place of being in the Dark Night of the Soul for (hopefully) far longer than most people will ever have to endure.

To say, “Put your hope in God” no longer feels like hope. It feels like resignation and condemnation to the state of depression.

I can see why it might help early on in a depression, but after this long it begins to look a lot different.

And again, don’t misunderstand. It has nothing to do with questioning God’s power or authority over everything. I have never questioned those. But if God is, always has been, and always will be in control, and X still occurred, then what reason is there to assume that I won’t go through the same pain again, or worse, or that there will ever be an end to the pain I’m in now, simply from Him continuing to be on the throne?

In other words, if I put my hope in God because I was trusting Him to protect me from certain things, and those things still happened, what is there left to put my hope in Him for? He’s already let me down where I needed His protection most in this life. And if it’s happened before, why not again?

So, unfortunately, as much as it might sound like the right thing to say, it won’t help someone as deep into depression as I am, especially if they have already been a person of faith for a long time.

I know it might sound like an exaggeration. Technically, where I, as a Christian, need God most is in the context of Jesus’s sacrifice for me keeping me safe in the afterlife. And I don’t downplay that, but it can’t all be about the next life either, because of the reason I am about to discuss next.

Dangerous sentiment

Do not resort to the “It’ll all be better in heaven” sentiment.

At least, not on its own. For someone battling a severe depression, this is actually one of the most dangerous things you can say. People battling depression need hope for today – they need hope for this life – not only for the next one. If they start to believe that the only relief to be found is in death then death will become a much stronger temptation. It’s okay and good that there are things to look forward to in the next life, but there must be something for this life too.

One of the warning signs of suicidal depression is the feeling that there is nothing to live for. They need encouragement that there are things in this life to enjoy, not to feel that death is the only escape.

It’s not you

One of the dangers for family and friends of those living with depression is that they can internalize it, feeling as though this grief experienced by another is somehow their fault. Statistically, it is likely not anything you have done or are not doing. More often than not, it is simply about elements in the individual’s life that they feel they have no control over.

They may lash out at you. Hurt people hurt people. Give them grace, as I have told them before to give themselves grace. If their world is falling apart, they may lash out at anything they can name. Don’t take it personally.

How much is too much?

It’s a common question when seeing someone fall into depression, especially if beforehand they were known widely for their optimism. Whatever it is that’s got them down, why couldn’t they just hold on a little longer? After all, how long is too long? How much is too much?

I get it.

It’s such an abstract concept. There usually isn’t a specific length of time to point to and say, “This specific amount is too much.” And without that, easy for observers, and even for ourselves, to assume that ‘just keep trucking on’ is no less a viable option than it was months or even years ago. If there is no specific sign anywhere saying ‘Beyond this point is hopeless despair,’ then how do you know you’ve crossed it? And if you don’t know, why not just assume you haven’t? Assume you never will. It’s not a real place anyway.

My parents are both British. I have British genes and was raised with British ideals. ‘Just keep carrying on’ is one of the foundational starting points of my entire worldview and approach to life, since basically my beginning. And I took that perspective into my depression, trying to be positive, look on the bright side, and stave off those darker levels of depression, for as far as I could.

I went for years assuming I would never run out of whatever kept me from getting worse. I assumed that even if I did ever pass whatever abstract, intangible point was the breaking point, I could simply keep going, oblivious to any such threshold or its presumed impact on me.

Having gone through what I’ve gone through, I can tell you, that even without having a specific amount to point at and say ‘This is too much,’ – there absolutely is such a thing as the straw that broke the camel’s back.

What makes it so worrying is in fact the fact that there isn’t a specific amount to point to, because that means you don’t generally know it’s there until you’ve crossed it. But you know. When it happens, you know. You feel it. You perceive it. Something internal just kind of snaps, and suddenly nothing is the same, there’s no motivation, and there is no perceived hope.

One way of looking at it is, “It’s just a ton of straws. One more straw is no more dangerous than the straw before it.” But another, perfectly valid perspective is, “It’s still a ton. At some point, of course the back is going to break. It was bound to happen.”

I bring this up, partially to talk back to anyone who wants to tell me, “Simply tough it out,” but also for the sake of others who keep being told the same thing. If you are broken, it is not because you were weak, it is because a ton is too much. And if your friend is struggling, and it seems to you like all they need to do is ‘look on the bright side just a little longer,’ and you think they’re weak because they broke under the pressure, you don’t know what it felt like for them to carry that weight for as long as they have. You don’t know what their breaking point is, nor how long they’ve been on this side of it. Most of us don’t know for ourselves, because it is in fact such an abstract thing.

Respect the effort they’ve put into keeping going. That’s a starting point. If they don’t believe that you believe they’ve been struggling, they won’t take any advice of yours seriously.

There is more I can share about my experiences, and I may do that it a future post. This one is long enough as is, and I felt it important to first talk about what I have found helpful to me, before going into further detail on some of the specific struggles I’ve had.

Thank you for reading. I hope this has been helpful.

This is a collection of material I originally posted on Medium. You can see this link for the original article.