Benjamin T. Collier's Blog

Survival

Posted on December 31, 2014 by benjaminfrog

“I just don’t want them to change me…turn me into something I’m not…If I’m gonna die, I wanna still be me.” – Peeta Mellark

I finally got around to watching The Hunger Games, and this particular scene stood out to me. It brought stark clarity to a principal we hear all the time but don’t know why. “Be yourself”, “Stay true to who you are”, “Follow your heart” – this is the kind of fluffy, cliche advice we keep hearing over and over without any real sense of significance or application. But occasionally someone comes along and finds a way to articulate the meaning behind it in a way that actually cuts to the matter of things.

It’s like this: Peeta’s not a cold blooded killer. But the Hunger Games are all about kill-or-be-killed. He did not ask to be part of the Games, and he knows that unless he is willing to commit murder he will likely not survive. So what does he do? He makes a choice to remain who he is.

Why?

Because he understands something a lot of us don’t follow. If he is not a murderer, but if he decides to do that in order to survive, then he is not really surviving. He does not walk out of there alive. The person he is dies as soon as he kills, and the person who walks away is just a stranger wearing his skin. It’s not worth changing who he is as a person just so that his physical body can carry on.

Now, for most of us it is not a matter of should we commit murder or not – the choices we face are much more subtle – but it is a question of character regardless. How many times in life do we get offered shortcuts, the easy way, instant success, at the cost of something that’s vital to who we are? We think we have no choice, because it’s the opportunity we’ve been waiting for, or it looks like the only route to success. If it’s what we’ve been waiting for then it seems like it would be out of our character not to do it, but in the process we have to sacrifice some aspect of our personality. If we do then it is not really us who gets that promotion, that opportunity, that area of influence, it is just someone who looks like us. The real us died in order to get there.

Don’t lose yourself in order to get what you want. If it is meant to be then it will come in time, but when it happens make sure that it is actually you who gets there – you who holds that position of leadership – you who survives.

Posted in Pop Culture | Tagged Character, Choices, Peeta, The Hunger Games | 3 Comments

That’ll Show ‘Em

Posted on December 25, 2014 by benjaminfrog

My gift to you all this special day –

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Posted in Bite-Sized, Images, Pop Culture | Tagged Kit Lambert, Phrases, The Who | 2 Comments

Interview on Daytime Durham

Posted on December 4, 2014 by benjaminfrog

I was recently interviewed by Sarah Newcomb on Daytime Durham to talk about some of the challenges of living on the Autism Spectrum. As this was my first time speaking on live television it was quite a milestone for me and I’d like to share it with everyone. 🙂

I haven’t watched it myself yet – I’m still too nervous – but I’ve included the link below and maybe one day I’ll work up the courage to watch myself. :p

http://rogerstv.com/page.aspx?lid=237&rid=2&gid=219063

Posted in Autism, Personal | Tagged Asperger's, Autism, Christian, Daytime Durham, Interview, Rogers TV, Sarah Newcomb | 12 Comments

God’s Approval

Posted on September 18, 2014 by benjaminfrog

Ever had one of those days where you accomplish so much, and yet it’s not enough? Your day is full of hard work and achievements with hardly any time to rest, and yet when it gets late at night you can’t sleep because you feel like you haven’t done enough?

Maybe for some of you it isn’t days – it’s weeks, years, or entire seasons of your life that get filled with so much accomplishment and even praise from others and yet it never feels like enough.

I had one of those days recently. My day started early and ended late and was full of work I had done for my own agenda as well as others. There’s nothing more fulfilling than giving yourself for another. And yet at the end of the day all I could think about was what didn’t get done.

Because I’m the contemplative type I took some time to ask myself why. Why was I depriving myself of rest? Why couldn’t I find satisfaction in the work I had done? Why wasn’t it enough?

It occurred to me that I still seek God’s approval, which was not necessarily new information. Perfectionism is an old enemy for me, and I have managed in past years to overcome a lot of habits of perfectionist thinking that used to drain me, but some old habits die harder than others.

That wasn’t the big revelation. The big revelation for me was how pointless it is for me to even try working for God’s approval. As a Christian, God’s approval of me is not based on anything I’ve done, but on what Christ has done. When God looks at me, He sees Christ. He sees everything that Christ accomplished in His life and in His death and in His resurrection.

There is no point in me working for God’s approval, because since His approval of me is based on the work of Christ I can never fail so badly that I lose that approval. My failures can never outweigh Christ’s accomplishments. The only reason for performing for approval would be if I hoped to earn more approval than I already have by performing better than Christ did, which is also impossible, at least for me.

The conclusion? Well obviously to sit on my ass all day and play video games until I die choking on a Cheeto and God says “Well done, good and faithful servant.” No, but actually with the pressure of approval off the table I find I’m in a better position to get work done. If I’m no longer worried about whether or not my work will get me approved, I’m free to do the work God has for me just for the sake of the work itself, and how I can help others. And I generally find that’s when I’m the most productive anyway.

Posted in Personal, Spiritual | Tagged Approval, Christian, Christian living, God, Jesus, Perfectionism | 4 Comments

“The Chiefest and Greatest of Calamities”

Posted on September 2, 2014 by benjaminfrog

“Spectacle” used to be a common word in cinema, something that had to be seen on the big screen, something more than just a movie, something you experienced. I don’t think I could use “spectacle” to describe a lot of recent movies, but The Desolation of Smaug was definitely an experience. If for no other reason, it clarified vividly for me what it would be like to be in the presence of a dragon. Dragons have of course been portrayed countless times in film, but none have captured the essence and soul of a dragon quite like Peter Jackson.

It occurred to me the second time I watched it (the first time I was too amazed to think) just how inspirational and useful this portrayal of Smaug is for writers who wish to write in the fantasy genre. For me, there is the technical issue of this version of Smaug having the anatomy of a Wyvern (two legs and two wings instead of four legs and two wings) but this interpretation of dragons is becoming more popular anyway with other fantasy worlds like Skyrim, and I give Peter a pass here because no wyvern is that fricking huge, or even that intelligent.

But what strikes me most about this portrayal of Smaug is his personality. The nature of dragons can change drastically depending on which tales you want to derive your inspiration from. Most portray them as little more than large, fire-breathing lizards, and it suits those tales well enough. Some raise them to an almost god-like status, but the more popular and more traditional tales place them somewhere in between on the power hierarchy. Tolkien himself seemed to equate their power with that of the Balrogs (or highly powerful warrior-angels). An inherent sense of power and lust for precious things is a recurring trait.

Even little nuances in this Smaug reflect important factors in the common natures of dragons, like the fact that he makes sly remarks but never actually laughs, indicating a sense of wit but not necessarily a sense of humour. It’s a fine line, but an important distinction, and perfectly fits the personality of a creature that is intellectually superior to humans but still technically classed as an animal or a beast.

Another nuance being his almost supernatural appreciation of treasures, as if he can sense the value of an object and therefore wants to possess it. He senses the presence of Bilbo’s ring, though describes its worth more than its power. And the ability to detect any item that’s been stolen from his possession is mentioned in the book itself.

A more obvious personality trait is of course his obsession with his own majesty, and refusal to let his name go unpraised, even if he fully intends to eat the one praising him.

Of course, I could also be reading into this a lot more than what the writers intended. But I’m a writer myself, it’s my nature to read into things and draw inspiration from various places however likely or unlikely they may be. This portrayal of Smaug has given me a new and deeper appreciation for the characteristics of dragons – a picture not only of their appearance and power but of their heart as well.

Posted in Pop Culture | Tagged Desolation of Smaug, Dragons, Fantasy, J.R.R. Tolkien, Peter Jackson, Smaug, The Hobbit, Writing | 2 Comments

Soulcalibur 5 Custom Characters (part 3)

Posted on July 6, 2014 by benjaminfrog

A collection of custom characters I designed using the Creation mode in Soulcalibur 5. As a fiction writer the Soulcalibur franchise has proven to be a useful tool for visualizing my characters and seeing what looks good and what doesn’t. Most of these pictures however are just interpretations of others’ characters. Enjoy!

Android Eighteen

Mystique

Ronan from Marvel Comics

Fran from Final Fantasy XII

Puss In Boots

The Joker

(Combining the traditional look with a scarred face)

Harley Quinn

Victorian Tiefling

The Winter Soldier

(Part 1)

(Part 2)

(Part 4)

(Soulcalibur 4 Custom Characters)

(Soulcalibur 6 Custom Characters)

Posted in Gaming, Images, Pop Culture | Tagged Android Eighteen, Bucky Barnes, Concept Art, Custom Characters, DC Comics, Dragon Ball Z, Final Fantasy, Fran, Harley Quinn, Joker, Marvel, Mystique, Puss N Boots, Ronan, Shrek, Soul Calibur, Soul Calibur 5, Soulcalibur, Soulcalibur 5, The Winter Soldier, Tiefling, Video Games, X-Men | Leave a comment

Deep Question #6

Posted on June 19, 2014 by benjaminfrog

What does snot smell like?

Posted in Bite-Sized, Random | Tagged Questions, Snot | 6 Comments

The Rare Autistic Christian

Posted on May 26, 2014 by benjaminfrog

A number of people have asked me if being/becoming a Christian is more difficult as someone on the Autism Spectrum. It’s always seemed like a silly question to me. I thought, what difference should it make? But this question was often coming from Christians who have friends or family members on the spectrum who are strong atheists. Even those growing up in Christian households (as I did) often end up not just switching to another religion but renouncing religions in general. I’ve come to realize in recent years that my being an Autistic and Christian is a bit of a statistical anomaly. So perhaps there is something to this question after all.

I will take a moment to point out that I’m not arguing Nature vs. Nurture. I’m acknowledging and analyzing a pattern, but I also believe in free will. The pattern would not exist without a cause behind it, but without free will we might not have statistical anomalies. (And since I’m dealing with other people’s beliefs I also want to apologize ahead of time for offending anyone. I aim to be respectful but I know sensitivity is not my strong point.)

The conclusion most jump to is that the problem is relational. They ask me if having a relationship with God is difficult as an autistic since I struggle to understand relationships in general. Personally I don’t think this is really the issue. For one thing, difficulty understanding how to have a relationship with God affects a much broader range of people. I generally find God easier to deal with than people.

From speaking with other autistics, both religious and non-religious, and getting their views on things, the conclusion I come to is this… (and to some of you this may be painfully obvious)

As far as what we, as individual autistics, choose to believe, all of our own personal conclusions seem to be based on logic. We autistics are, almost universally, logical thinkers. We don’t choose our beliefs based on emotion, as it seems to us is what most people do. We may make emotional decisions sometimes, but in regards to our beliefs the only thing that matters is the truth. We are each going with what makes the most logical sense to us, based on what we see when we look at the world. What I am unable to answer is why the world that I see is so different from what most autistics see.

I imagine that most autistics (as with most atheists) look at the world and see disorder. And disorder is certainly there to be seen. And whether by a divine whisper or by the brain’s natural inclination to decipher patterns, there is an inherent sense of the way the world should be. And the world is not as it should be. Therefore the world is in chaos. Therefore there is no one in control. Therefore there is no God. People of faith, on the other hand, claim to see only beauty and divine providence when they look at the world, or at least this is what the stereotypical religious person looks like to us – living in ignorance.

As for myself, my view of the world lies somewhere in between. I don’t see a world of complete chaos without rhyme or reason, and I don’t see perfect harmony either. I see the results of a perfectly made world that has fallen into chaos – and to me this fits with what the Bible tells me I should expect of the world. Pain and suffering is everywhere, and yet so is beauty. I look at the natural world and I feel remorse for animals that get taken down by larger carnivores, but I also admire the beauty of their design, the stripes on the zebra and on the tiger alike. I see what remains of the world that God gave to us in Genesis, after the fall of Man set it on this course into a chaotic state.

So what makes my view different from most autistics? I don’t know. It could simply be different life experiences. I was raised in the church, and exposed early and often to a lot of first-hand examples of God at work. But so were many autistics who are now atheist. Life experience isn’t everything. It could just be different ways of processing the same information. A different way of connecting the dots. Or perhaps some dots don’t get connected. At the bottom of it all I generally assume that a person’s response to any belief system is ultimately attitudinal. Do I take the world for what I want it to be, do I take it for what it ought to be, or do I take it for what it is?

Posted in Autism, Spiritual | Tagged Asperger's, Autism, Christian, God, relationship with God | 5 Comments

Random Posters and Pins 3

Posted on May 5, 2014 by benjaminfrog

Posted in Images, Pop Culture, Random | Tagged Desolation of Smaug, Eowyn, I am no man, Journey, Kili, Lord of the Rings, Pear, Tangled, Tauriel, The Hobbit, Traffic Sign, Witch King | 1 Comment

Soulcalibur 4 Custom Characters

Posted on April 12, 2014 by benjaminfrog

A collection of custom characters I designed using the Creation mode in Soulcalibur 4. As a fiction writer the Soulcalibur franchise has proven to be a useful tool for visualizing my characters and seeing what looks good and what doesn’t. The following pictures however are all just interpretations of others’ characters. I don’t have as many in this list as I do for Soulcalibur 5, which is mostly because the creative features in SC5 are more robust, but there were a few characters I could do more accurately in SC4. Enjoy!