Feelings vs. Choice

“If ever I loved Thee, my Jesus, ‘tis now.”

–  Hymn by William R. Featherstone

 

The line struck me the other night, popping up unexpectedly in my head, because love is still a stark mystery to me, and because I know my love for Jesus is not what it used to be. It’s taken me back to an old debate: is love a feeling, or a choice?

 

Is it right that my love for Christ would fluctuate, never leaving entirely but existing in highs and lows in response to circumstances? It doesn’t sound right, does it? A verse came to mind: “He who is forgiven little, loves little.” (Luke 7:47) And I concluded that my lack of love could be from Elder Brother Syndrome (Luke 15:23-32). My gratitude for Christ’s forgiveness could be directly linked to how much I feel I’ve been forgiven, and although I’m not perfect, I have managed in my life to avoid a lot of the more obvious, more damaging sins.

The great equalizer to this line of thinking is to remember that whoever breaks one commandment is guilty of breaking them all (James 2:10), meaning that although we may have all sinned to varying degrees, we are all equally screwed. Being a Christian my whole life, I don’t know the kind of life that Jesus saved me from, saved me from having to go through, and damnation is something I can only understand in abstract ideas. I have nothing practical to look at and say, “This is how grateful I should be.”

On the contrary, for over a year now I’ve been in one of the darkest periods of my life. (I’m a technical person, and don’t like to over-dramatize things by saying, “This is the worst thing ever,” unless I mean it. Growing up, there were maybe two periods of my life darker than this.) And I’m not feeling the love.

Compounding this is the feeling that God is being inattentive and uncooperative. Letting things slip. Refusing easy prayers where I’m just asking for help carrying out His will, and receiving no such help. To put it in the closest human terms that I can conceptually relate to, I feel like I’m in a marriage with an emotionally distant spouse who refuses to work on the relationship. I’m trying and trying, but they won’t have any of it. This is not like the God that I’ve come to know. This is not the Jesus that I “married”. Theologically speaking, God is unchanging, but my present experiences disagree. What do I do with that?

There’s a number of easy answers. At least, they sound easy at first.

1: Suck it up, Wuss.

I can carry on as if everything’s fine, accept my lot in life, and declare that even the crap I’m going through is “good” and never complain again. That would turn me into a machine (I mean, more of a machine than I am now). It would be dishonest, and I would lose the ability to talk about anything authentically. It would be out of pious servitude, and yet I don’t think God would want that.

2: Conclude God was never real in the first place and carry on as if He doesn’t exist. This would also be dishonest (for me). I’ve seen too much. More importantly, I have felt His love. The fact that I don’t feel it now does not disqualify everything that’s happened before now.

3: Lash out at God because of what I’m going through. He obviously isn’t intending to take care of my needs, so through sin I can take care of my own needs and spit in God’s face at the same time.

That last one is the most appealing, and I have gone there from time to time, but I have not settled into that lifestyle.

Why not?

Well…because I still care about Him.

Sin hurts Him. Through some mysterious process I don’t fully understand, every sin I commit today has been laid on Christ two-thousand years ago, adding to His suffering. It hurts Him. And I don’t want to hurt my friend.

Does that seem childish? Maybe it is. Maybe it’s just because loyalty is such a big part of who I am. Maybe I’ve just been through too much suffering myself and just don’t like the idea of inflicting any amount of it on anyone, even someone I feel has deeply hurt me or even betrayed me. Is that how some married people feel after a while? Hurt and betrayed, yet in spite of that they still care?

 

“Love isn’t a decision, it’s a feeling.

If we could decide who we loved, it would be much simpler,

but much less magical.”

–  Mr. Twig

Who’s Mr. Twig? If you know then you simultaneously get a high-five along with my sympathy. If you don’t know, don’t worry, it just means you have better sense.

The Twig makes a good point here, but I don’t think it’s the whole story. Admiration, captivation, that kind of thing are all feelings. You can’t force yourself to feel those things. You can’t decide to feel those things. And if those feelings were never there then relationship wouldn’t work – just partnership.

But feelings fluctuate. Spring fades. Feelings alone won’t make a relationship last. So what do you do when feelings of love are no longer enough?

 

In the midst of my own struggles I’ve come to realize a new kind of faith is required. A new kind of love.

Fidelity is not a feeling, nor does it fluctuate because of circumstance. It is a decision. An act of love. Unconditional. Do I feel a love for God with all my heart? Honestly, not nearly as strong as I have in the past. Am I choosing with all my heart to act out of love for Him? Yes. Currently, that’s the best that I can offer.

I don’t presently feel like I can trust Him either, but in my daily life I’m still making decisions based on an act of trust. I’m choosing to trust, in spite of my feelings. I’m choosing to love when I don’t feel loved. I’m choosing faithfulness, though my heart tends to wander.

 

Some think the message that “God loves you” is irrelevant, because God loves everyone. It’s His job. If love was either a feeling or a decision, then yes, it would be less reassuring, but it isn’t just one or the other. It’s both. The atonement of Christ was an act, not a feeling. It was an act performed because God had promised salvation long beforehand, and God chooses faithfulness. That does not automatically mean that He loves you, the fact that He loves you is independent, based on the feelings of His own heart, and His feelings of love for each of His creations are unique and personal.

If God’s love for me was based solely on how He felt at the time, then I would worry about Him revoking my salvation whenever I pissed Him off. And if it was purely a decision because it’s His job, then it wouldn’t feel real to me, and I would worry that there isn’t anything about me to love. But God’s love for His people is both a feeling and a decision.

God’s decision to love us (to act with love) did not come on its own but was led on by His feelings of love for us. And my choice to remain with Him did not arrive on its own, but was made out of feelings of love for Him. If I had not seen God act in my life in the past, I would not have chosen fidelity. My choices would be based purely on the feelings of the moment. And the moment is quite dark. And the moment is often overwhelming. But the things I have experienced in the past assure me in the moment that there is also a future.

 

“Help me not forget in darkness

The things that I believed in light.”

–  Starfield

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Soulcalibur 5 Custom Characters (part 2)

A collection of custom characters I designed using the Creation mode in Soulcalibur 5. As a fiction writer the Soulcalibur franchise has proven to be a useful tool for visualizing my characters and seeing what looks good and what doesn’t. Most of these pictures however are just interpretations of others’ characters. Enjoy!

Jean Grey. Phoenix. X-Men. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comJean Grey. Phoenix. X-Men. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comJean Grey. Phoenix. X-Men. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comJean Grey. Phoenix. X-Men. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.com

The Phoenix

(Jean Grey)

Cammy. Street Fighter. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.com

Cammy from Street Fighter

Nappa. Dragon Ball Z. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comNappa. Dragon Ball Z. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comNappa. Dragon Ball Z. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comNappa. Dragon Ball Z. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comNappa. Dragon Ball Z. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.com

Nappa from Dragon Ball Z

Faun Knight. Original. Concept Art. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comFaun Knight. Original. Concept Art. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comFaun Knight. Original. Concept Art. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comFaun Knight. Original. Concept Art. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.com

Faun Knight (Female)

An original design usable as concept art

Pris. Blade Runner. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comPris. Blade Runner. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comPris. Blade Runner. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.com

Pris from Blade Runner

Psylocke. X-Men. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comPsylocke. X-Men. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comPsylocke. X-Men. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comPsylocke. X-Men. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.com

Psylocke

Zen. Chocolate. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comZen. Chocolate. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.com

Zen from Chocolate

Winston. Creepy Cat. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comWinston. Creepy Cat. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.com

Winston

A random cat character I put together because of Voldo’s Cat Paws weapons. I tend to make fun of people giving their pets ‘people’ names (I had named my past two pets Carnage and Slasher), and for some reason ‘Winston’ stuck out in my mind as the worst name for a cat. This was before I watched Pet Sematary, which made me laugh out loud.

Flamingo Samurai. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comFlamingo Samurai. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.com

Flamingo

A character I’ve been required to create because of a nickname of mine.

Don’t ask.

 

(Part 1)

(Part 3)

(Part 4)

(Soulcalibur 4 Custom Characters)

(Soulcalibur 6 Custom Characters)

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Random Posters and Pins 2

Phineas & Ferb. Perry The Platypus. Doofenshmirtz. Indiana Jones.Iron Man 3. Tony Stark. Soul Calibur 5Vegeta. Dragon Ball Z. The Big LebowskiSad-EaterLast Straw!!

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Soulcalibur 5 Custom Characters

A collection of custom characters I designed using the Creation mode in Soulcalibur 5. I may do more of these in the future. As a fiction writer the Soulcalibur franchise has proven to be a useful tool for visualizing my characters and seeing what looks good and what doesn’t. Most of these pictures however are just interpretations of others’ characters. Enjoy!

Sephiroth. Final Fantasy VII. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.com

Sephiroth. Final Fantasy VII. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comSephiroth. Final Fantasy VII. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.com

Sephiroth

Katara. The Painted Lady. Avatar The Last Airbender. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comKatara. The Painted Lady. Avatar The Last Airbender. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.com

Katara. The Painted Lady. Avatar The Last Airbender. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comKatara. The Painted Lady. Avatar The Last Airbender. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.com

The Painted Lady (a.k.a. Katara)

Avatar: The Last Airbender

Bruce Lee. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.com

Bruce Lee

Conan the Barbarian. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comConan the Barbarian. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comConan the Barbarian. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.com

Conan

Based on a combination of versions, primarily Arnold Schwarzenegger and the artwork of Frank Frazetta

Catwoman. Seina Kyle. Batman. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comCatwoman. Seina Kyle. Batman. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comCatwoman. Seina Kyle. Batman. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.com

Catwoman

Again, not based on any one portrayal but taking elements from different versions – including the 70’s

Catwoman. Seina Kyle. Batman. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.com

Catwoman (Undisguised)

Legolas. Lord of the Rings. Wood Elf. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comLegolas. Lord of the Rings. Wood Elf. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.com

Legolas

Uruk-Hai. Orc. Lord of the Rings. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comUruk-Hai. Orc. Lord of the Rings. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comUruk-Hai. Orc. Lord of the Rings. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.com

Uruk-Hai

(Battle-worn)

Tauriel. The Hobbit. Wood Elf. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comTauriel. The Hobbit. Wood Elf. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comTauriel. The Hobbit. Wood Elf. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comTauriel. The Hobbit. Wood Elf. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comTauriel. The Hobbit. Wood Elf. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.com

Tauriel from The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

Roy. The Kingdom. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comRoy. The Kingdom. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comRoy. The Kingdom. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comRoy. The Kingdom. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.comRoy. The Kingdom. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.com

Roy from The Kingdom

Benjamin T. Collier. Made using Creation mode in Soul Calibur 5. benjaminfrog.com

Myself

 

(Part 2)

(Part 3)

(Part 4)

(Soulcalibur 4 Custom Characters)

(Soulcalibur 6 Custom Characters)

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Revelations from the Book of Job

I wanted to share some of what I’ve learned as I went through my Soul Journey curriculum, and one of the books I assigned myself was the book of Job. I have written here about Job before, in fact, my very first post on this blog was Job Revisited back in 2010. This is a deep book that keeps revealing more and more to me. I wanted to share some of the things that caught my attention this time around, coming from both the very beginning and the very end of the book.

One: the book begins with a wager, a proposal on Satan’s part believing that Job’s faithfulness is conditional. When permitted to test Job in certain ways, Satan finds that his assumption was mistaken.

What I got from this: Even Satan does not know how people will respond to his attacks. But it is his inclination (his occupation) to assume the worst in people.

And of course, you assume the worst of those you hate. You want to see them fail. You want to believe that under certain testing they will fall short.

When I see people I can’t stand actually do something respectable, I usually feel happy rather than mad, because if a dousch like that can become a better person then there’s hope for anyone, and God is in the business of changing lives.

When Christians fail we tend to assume “Satan knew to attack me there because he knew I would fail. Therefore I was and always will be doomed to fail in that area.” That is a lie. Satan is a strategist, and he knows people’s weaknesses. He will strike where he believes he has the best chance. He does not know whether one will stand or fall under his testing, all he can do is assume the worst in people.

Second: Job spends the entire book complaining indignantly to God about what can only be interpreted as unfair treatment. Oddly, he does not accuse God of being evil, but demands answers to the way he’s been treated.

His ‘friends’ spend the entire book accusing Job of some secret wrongdoing. Their theology dictates (as did Job’s, most likely, until now) that tragedy only befalls the wicked, and that Job must therefore be a wicked man, despite being recognized widely as a man of righteousness.

They come to God’s defense, wanting to look at the situation and draw a conclusion that doesn’t make God out to be wrong, they invent reasons why Job must really have been an evil man all these years and just good at hiding it. Yet in the end, when God finally shows up, it is to these friends that God says “you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has.”

What I got from this: God does not like favouritism, even when it’s in his favour. God believes in fair play, and does not want people coming to his defense with false arguments. The truth is enough.

There was an episode of The Real Ghostbusters that I wish now I had kept. It was about a contest between the forces of good and evil, and the prize had something to do with mortal souls. The forces of good appeared weak, and some of the Ghostbusters had an opportunity to hinder the forces of evil to give Good a better chance, but because the Ghostbusters were not part of the contest, it would have been cheating. At the last minute Egon changes his mind, and prevents the others from interfering as well. “If we cheat, Good loses.”

This is what Job’s friends didn’t understand. I don’t know what religious texts they had, if they had the Law of Moses or just fragments of it or whatever, but in any case they had their theology – they had assumptions, beliefs about how God operates – based on what they interpreted from their religious texts. But events they came across in real life didn’t fit their theology, and rather than allow their beliefs about God to be challenged, they bent the truth in his defense. They bent the truth of what they had witnessed in order to protect the ‘truth’ of their beliefs about God. God shows up and says they missed the point.

It is instead Job to whom God credits righteousness, because he was willing to face reality for what it was. He didn’t renounce his beliefs, but neither did he ignore his experience. He wrestled with both until he found reconciliation. In fact, if Job had chosen to disregard his experience, then he would have disregarded the work that God was doing behind the scenes, because through all of this God had a story to tell. If any part of the story is denied, then the story falls apart, and we would not have the deep insights that the book of Job provides, only a short story about a good guy who gets put through hell and sucks it up and moves on, the conclusion of which is that God is a heartless tyrant. That story sucks!

But because Job allowed himself to honestly deal with events that made no sense, we now have the words of his discourse written in the Bible, pages where a righteous man says to God all of the things we sometimes want to say to God but dare not even think for fear of being struck by lightning. The very fact that these words were not only permitted to be spoken, but were recorded in the Bible, and that this man was rewarded for his honesty, is among the greatest evidence to me against God being a tyrant. In other words, if Job had not dealt honestly with his experiences, instead of falling back on what he thought he already understood about God, some significant aspects of God’s character would have been missed, and the logical conclusion of everyone involved would have been that God is a tyrant.

What else I got from this: It is more important to God to be represented authentically than to be represented “accurately.”

If I may get more personal here: One concern I had as my autobiography came out was that it would be seen as too preachy. I am very open about my Christian faith, even though the focus of the book is living on the autism spectrum, it is a book about my own experiences, and my own experiences have to include my life in the church as well.

I was very blessed to receive comments from people saying they didn’t mind me talking about my faith, or that they trusted me. They didn’t feel like I was speaking with hidden motives. I think this is because I was open about the negative aspects of life in the church, as well as the positive. I didn’t paint it all as a perfect, blissful, problem-free paradise of a community. I wasn’t writing people a brochure.

I’ve been through some serious crap. But I didn’t feel guilty for being open about the dark times in my Christian life, because that stuff happened. It’s the truth. And as I wrote it I still recognized how much darker my life would be if I didn’t have Christ. The blessings win. I don’t have to bend the truth – I don’t have to cheat – to make Jesus look good.

There is a quote I found on Pinterest, under a picture of a lion. “The truth is like a lion. You don’t have to defend it. Let it loose. It will defend itself.” – St. Augustine (354–430)

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Soul Journey (Christian Rites of Passage and Intimacy with God)

It came to mind to put together a spiritual discipline involving a lot of self-searching and study of the Word of God. Not an ordinary Bible study method, but something combining Bible study, hobbies, and prayer – preferably all done in solitude. There was a primary goal I had in mind for this, and a secondary one that is almost as important.

Goal #1: Intimate communion with God. To some of us this already comes naturally, but most of us are too distracted to give God attention and get close to Him. For us, we need reminders, little things to get us back to His heart. This journey is just one possible way of doing that.

Goal #2: Under certain circumstances, the first time doing this may be usable as a rite of passage for Christian men. This is something quite lost in the western world. I have heard people address that it is an issue, but I have not heard a lot of answers on how to execute it. I hoped this discipline would be of some assistance, and for my own experience I can say that it has been. I hope it can help others too.

I’m not aware of anybody doing something like this before, so treat this as experimental. I’ve been taking notes of my own experiences, and as I hear from people trying this out for themselves I’ll take note of their input as well. In the long run I hope to get a clearer picture of what people find beneficial and not so beneficial. And since we are all made different it is expected that the journeys of each individual will look different. I’m an analyzer, so my journey involved a lot of study. Some people are more feelers, they just need to experience something. I hope they do. I’ve already used this exercise once as a rite of passage for myself, and will be doing smaller, subsequent journeys as I feel the need.

The general version requires only two things: solitude, and your favourite things. I’ll explain why.

Solitude

Jesus often went to places of solitude to be with God and receive the strength He needed. The idea here is intimacy, finding alone time with God. For some people, and the kind of lives they lead, solitude is a relative word, existing only in increments. Especially if you’re a single parent, complete isolation may not be an option for you. Ask yourself in what circumstances, places, times of day you feel the presence of God most clearly, and make that your “alone” time.

List your favourite things

You don’t necessarily have to do those things, but it would certainly help if you did. The purpose is to get to know you. For you to get to know yourself. What makes you come alive?

For some of you, your favourite activities may not be possible without other people around. That’s okay. You may be a more social personality. Just keep the lines of communication open between yourself and God while doing these activities. Even if you can’t get time alone with God, at least take the time with God.

Two speakers

There are two sides to this: People who know you, and material to study during your times of solitude.

The mentors are mostly for when using the journey as a rite of passage, since an important part of that journey is identification – finding out who you are and receiving a name. Experienced Christians who have been walking with both God and you will be in the best position to help you find the answer to that. But mentors are not necessary for subsequent journeys, since a core element of these journeys is solitude – time between just you and God.

On the mount of transfiguration, Jesus had two people speak to him – Moses and Elijah. They spoke to him of what He must do, and afterward (and during that time) Jesus’s true nature was revealed to those around him. He was probably already aware of His own nature, though it’s nice to think that He too, learned something in the process.

Now, on this journey you are not likely to be met by Moses or Elijah. That is what Jesus needed, not you. God has provided you with others, according to your unique needs.

When doing this journey as a rite of passage, a handful of weathered Christians will be helpful as people who know you personally and have authority to speak into your life and tell you about who you are – assuming you can find some who know you well enough, and who are known to hear from The Spirit. If not, ask God about alternatives. Their words to you should be encouraging, since the Spirit is not condemning. If your mentors are putting you down then ask God where you may be able to find others.

Your time of study should include work that has spoken deeply to you before, that speak to your heart in deeper places than anything else. Books, Films, Books of the Bible, Seasons or episodes of a Television Series, Video Games, Music. I won’t put a limit on how long your journey should take – that’s between you and God. A single movie, or an entire trilogy – just go with what feels right. I would also recommend choosing two books of the Bible that have spoken to you before, and reread them. One after the other, or alternating until you finish both.

Ask yourself, what speaks to you? What dialogue makes you ponder? What moments catch your throat. Is God using these things to try and say something to you? Are you not even sure why some things get you emotional but they do anyway? Ask God what He wants to say to you.

The usefulness of two speakers is getting two different angles on your heart. It makes it easier to point out themes, common denominators. Can you identify what you love about them? Go over the common themes in the speakers you’ve chosen, compare to your list of favourite things. Is a theme starting to emerge?

Speak to your mentors about what you’re learning and get feedback. Remember, if they are not encouraging, then they are not speaking on God’s behalf.

Identification

How is God expressing Himself through you?

Identification is an important part of initiation. But how one receives their name may change from person to person. Some people hear directly from God, others hear through fellow Christians, and some through signs and themes.

God expresses Himself through His people. You can ask some people (you trust) what message God speaks to them through you. What do they hear from God whenever you are around them? You can ask God directly the name He has for you, what you mean to Him. The answer may present itself in unexpected ways.

Recognising the significance of the messages.

A word of caution: it will likely hurt. On Day 2 I was taken right into the heart of one of my deepest pains, and I knew I had to deal with it before moving on. This kind of a journey will not just spotlight God’s blessings on you, but will also expose some deep, personal wounds. The Enemy has a habit of attacking us in our areas of strength, areas God wants to bless, in order to prevent us from living in our strengths and blessings, or even mistrusting them. When God brings up an old wound, ask Him what He wants to do with it.

Some thoughts I had to deal with regarding feelings of loss: God is Healer and Provider. Whatever wound He brings up is something He can heal. Whatever need He brings up is something He can provide.

Why are we focusing so much on ourselves?

A common part of a rite of passage is to travel to a specific location that is regarded as being particularly significant, holy, the dwelling place of the one you worship. Back in the day, God’s dwelling place was the temple in Jerusalem. Then Christ died and the curtain was torn. The temple was no longer appropriate and eventually was completely destroyed. But the Spirit of God has a new dwelling place – the Christian heart. If we want to go on a journey, we don’t have a geographical location to get to, we have something more intimate – our hearts. That is where God has chosen to dwell in this world, and we have to go there with Him in order to be where He is.

Jesus stands at the door and knocks. He wants to go deeper into your heart, to your core, but He will not force His way there unless you accept His invitation to go there together.

The primary goal here is still to get close to God – to get intimate with Him. As I said before, to some of us this already comes naturally, but some of us need help finding the bridges between our heart and God’s.

The first time doing this, it is useful as a rite of passage as well, and I would recommend Christian men trying this at least once.

Is it necessary to do this kind of thing more than once? Is it necessary to do it often? Well, it depends, how easily can you get into that place of intimacy with God? Can you jump right to it, or does God need to find ways to allure you to Himself? That’s really what this whole journey is about. All those things written on your heart, they were hand-written by God. All those books and stories that speak to you on a personal level, God is using them to woo you to Himself.

My own examples

My list of “works that speak to me” pretty much also covered my list of favourite things, so I got off easy in that sense. Although I didn’t just go and watch the movies I most enjoy watching, or the games I most enjoy playing, but went for the ones that I knew had spoken deeply to my heart before.

My choice of Christian speakers were John Eldredge and Andy Stanley, so I reread Wild at Heart and rewatched the Breakaway DVD series.

My two choices of Bible books were Ezekiel and Job.

I enjoy movies, so I chose The Two Towers and Labyrinth as the two I should watch, and watched a few others as well.

I only played one video game, Skyrim, but I selected two main quests to complete.

I could have only chosen a couple episodes of a TV series, but I decided to go back and watch the entire 6th season of Dragon Ball Z.

The top most recurring themes for myself were…

Pain of losing, not finding, or not being able to be with my companion.

Desire for restoration.

Desire to protect loved ones, even at great cost.

Unveiling, Revelation, Transformation.

To go on a journey, and feeling the weariness of the journey.

To return home, find a home, or be brought to a place of rest, and to have a time of rest.

Dragons.

I can speak in greater detail as to some of the revelations that came to me as a result of my own journey, but I think that’s for another blog post. I offer the above example as how I chose to take this journey, according to my own personality, but this process is really about you, and how God has chosen to express Himself to the world through the person that you are.

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Spam Collection 2

Sometimes it’s unclear whether or not a comment is just spam,. Then sometimes it’s more obvious. If you look up the posts that these comments are supposedly responding to, you will probably come to the same conclusion that I did. Then again, maybe people really do like me this much. : )

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‘My Life A.S. Is’ Playlist

My Life A.S. Is: An Inside Look at Autism and Asperger's Syndrome. Autobiography by Benjamin T. CollierI’ve heard about books having their own playlists, like a list of songs for the reader to listen to as they read to further immerse themselves in the book, or songs that the author listened to for inspiration as they wrote. So for My Life A.S. Is I put this list together of songs I feel reflect my life story. Actually, the list is a combination of songs reflecting the book directly, and songs that just feel like themes for my life in general.

I could have put this list together sooner, but just didn’t get around to it. Looking on it now I think it was waiting for “Robot Boy” by Linkin Park, which was on a CD I just received for my birthday. (Yes, I ask for Linkin Park CDs now. Bon Jovi wasn’t aggressive enough.)

“Imaginary” and “How Soon Is Now?” are both quoted in my book. “Innocence And Other Things Lost” might also have been quoted, if I had found out about the song in time. That one has become my new favourite song of all time now, so far, as the lyrics and emotions make a fitting summary of how I feel about my life.

I have attempted in this list to reflect my playfulness, my sense of purpose, the dark and beaten down places I have found myself in, and my hope for future restoration. And yes, the songs are in this particular order for a reason. Most of my playlists are like that. I am at heart a story-teller. 🙂

“Pinball Wizard” – The Who

“Imaginary” – Evanescence

“Miles Away” – Madonna

“The Outsiders” – Need To Breathe

“Land Of Confusion” – Genesis

“How Soon Is Now?” – The Smiths

“Innocence And Other Things Lost” – Starfield

“Through Smoke” – Need To Breathe

“Oh, Bury Me Not (Introduction: A Cowboy’s Prayer)” – Johnny Cash

“Tourniquet” – Evanescence

“Robot Boy” – Linkin Park

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” – U2

“I’m Still Yours” – Kutless

“Trust Me (This Is Love)” – Amanda Marshall

Posted in Autism, Music, My Books, My Life A.S. Is, Personal | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Deep Question #5

Gremlins movie poster

When is it not after midnight?

Posted in Bite-Sized, Images, Pop Culture | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

Most Awkward Christmas Moment

I remember one year as my birthday and Christmas approached (my birthday is in December) two of the many items on my wishlist were a Bon Jovi compilation album and a book combining two of John Eldredge’s books.

That year I had lost my copy of Wild at Heart by Eldredge, a book about understanding the masculine soul as it’s been designed by God. I was going to put that book alone on my wishlist, but someone told me about a special collection that was coming out combining that book with another one called Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge, which is basically Wild at Heart for women. (They preferred the title ‘Captivating’ over ‘Women Gone Wild at Heart’.)

Now, I’m at the age where my ongoing status as a single could cause relatives to wonder if I may be… not as inclined to continue the bloodline. I figured this other book might come in handy as far as understanding women better so I can talk to them more easily, and as a kind of heads-up on what to expect when entering a relationship.

My birthday came and one of the gifts I received was a new edition of Wild at Heart. On its own. Not the combo pack I had asked for. But I wasn’t disappointed. I missed the lessons in Wild at Heart greatly, and looked forward to being able to study those lessons further.

Christmas came, with all of my relatives together in one room. I opened up the gift from one of my two sisters, and received the Bon Jovi compilation album I had asked for. I opened up the present from my other sister and there, in my hands, in bright, pretty colours for everyone to see was a book, and scrawled across it in elegant lettering were the words Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul.

I could not have been happier to receive a Bon Jovi compilation album, which I immediately threw into the cranked up CD player, blaring “Dead or Alive” and “Blaze of Glory” so everyone could hear.

And that’s my most awkward Christmas moment.

PS: Captivating is a great book. I recommend it to everyone, even guys. : )

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